frankly, it’s a mess. i feel like i’m stuck in one of those cheap fairground rides where the walls spin and the music melts the door handles and the cotton candy air stuffs your lungs. is there any point of me trying to describe this to you? maybe i just miss the click of keyboard keys and/or a sense of gratification. or maybe i’m just angsty and needy and will read this back in a couple
years days and cringe.
there are a lot of crossroads and variables and possibilities and as thankful as i am for the freedom, i’m overwhelmed by the choice. things aren’t always what they seem, especially when you still haven’t taken off that pair of rose-coloured glasses (isn’t it time yet?).
art is strange in that it’s ultimately indefinable. there are endless genres and sub-genres that co-exist and interdepend on one another which is why it is so interesting to me. ‘being an artist’ initially brings up ideas of paint palettes splattered by primary colours but it’s funny how shallowly inaccurate that is. there are dancers and poets and speakers and beatboxers and gardeners and baristas and saxophonists and hairdressers and engineers….. etc etc etc. to me, art is whatever splutters out of your raw heart, no matter what form it takes.
my art has been leaning toward the more visual recently. colour and shape and composition seem to strike a chord that writing no longer does. that’s okay though; I’ve learned that these things always change so it’s best to make use of them while you can. here’s a graphic that I designed today. I’m still trying to figure out the significance behind the word itself but I like how it ended up. makes me feel happy.all the love x
i want airports with ‘arrival’ signs in every language, the sound of luggage wheels and the tuneless buzz of people.
i want the sky; i want to see all its different faces, colours, textures.
i want bumpy bus rides between the collarbones of ageless mountains and flurrying forests; a three hundred and sixty degree spectacle.
i want to feel sand between my toes; the almost silent swish of blue waves and calm sea.
i want to lie in a field of flowers with a tartan blanket and a friend.
i want late nights with a different kind of air in my lungs, different blood in my veins.
i want to be cold, fingers frozen while hiking through snow. i want to be hot, aching for the beach in a sunny place. i want to be everywhere in between. push me to the limits.
i want to be everywhere and see everything. i want to go without thinking of the endless variables that i would have to. one day, i will.
all the love x
during one of my instagram binges, i came across this quote:
what’s bad for the heart, looks good on the page.
this is one of the few times something i have scrolled past has stuck with me. the romanticism of heartbreak is widespread. why do we all (us romantics at least) love to read about pain and longing? it’s kinda twisted, isn’t it? however, strangely enough, I completely understand.
something as beautiful as a heart is bound to shatter into verse when it breaks. poetry. those nights when you are shaking with the desire to write; to validate all the thoughts spinning around your head (at least you can touch them when they’re on paper). I think those poems are the best: the ones dripping with emotion, barely legible. for me, writing is therapy.
so how about from the reader’s perspective? I think it’s somewhat humbling to remind yourself that a stranger behind a page feels as deeply as you.
a few weeks ago, we all had to give a five-minute presentation to our classes on a topic that we are passionate about. here is mine:
for generations, humans have been captivated by the idea of space. we spend billions on spaceships, satellites and rovers, desperate to learn about the world outside our own. from the first apollo mission to voyager 1 just leaving the milky way, it‘s impressive how far we‘ve come.
however, there‘s one project that stands out to me, and thatss the mission to mars.
in 2011, two scientists laid the foundation to begin the mars one mission plan: a scheme aiming to establish a settlement on the red planet by 2032. a global campaign was created in order to find the next astronauts. these people need to be strong, both mentally and physically in order to succeed as an astronaut. out of thousands of applicants, a shortlist of one hundred have been selected and tested for their suitability. then, they are put through a series of tests and experiments to see if they can handle the tough conditions of space after that, and finally, a public vote is conducted to determine who gets to go first.
these people are pretty amazing, to say the least. they are jumping at the chance to leave everything they know for a life on a new planet, fully aware of the high risks and inability to return to earth. are they crazy, or inspirational? and what makes them want to go so badly?
when asked this question, founder of mars one bas landsdorp said that this mission is the realization of an amazing dream. the spirit of adventure and curiosity drives the team of pioneers, and i have to agree. there is something so irresistible about the idea of such a journey and the excitement of a new life. however, as well as this immense feeling of euphoria, there are many practical benefits to this mission.
it‘s no secret that human life on earth is extremely delicate. our population is booming and we aren‘t exactly kind to this little planet we inhabit. at this rate, we need two earths just to sustain the rate at which we are consuming, reproducing and destroying. we are a species hell-bent on growth and development, on skyscrapers and iphones, while pretending not to notice the tolls its taking on our planet. we are in danger, to say the least.
so i can see why the thought of a new planet is irresistible. the notion of a fresh start on an unmarked, un-scarred planet fills people with hope. they fantacise underground houses and domes filled with oxygen: maybe mars isn‘t so different to earth. we could restart the human race and just hope things don‘t end up the way they did on earth.
i guess the question i‘m trying to ask is: do humans deserve to inhabit another planet? we as a race are fundamentally flawed. conflict, discrimination and selfishness run through our veins and we can‘t seem to get it right. is there any way it would be possible to create a perfect life on another planet after the mess we‘ve made of our own?
but then again, who‘s to stop us?
would you want to go to mars?
personally, i‘d love to go because it‘s such a unique and exciting idea; it‘s a huge step for humanity and the technology we‘ve developed to envision something like this and i‘d be more than happy to go to mars.
do you think the mission to mars deserves more funding?
everyone has different opinions on that for many different reasons. the technology and equipment that this mission needs is extremely expensive, so there‘s an argument on whether it is more important than all the other issues we have on earth such as war and famine etc. personally, i think that we should focus on the planet we already have before venturing out to another.
all the love x
it’s been a while. i hope you’re okay. brilliant or amazing would be ideal, but sometimes okay has to suffice. it’s okay to be okay (never forget that).
i have been wonderfully happy recently, but the only disadvantage of being in a constant state of euphoria is that you no longer feel compelled to write: as wonderful as contentment is, it doesn’t inspire me as much as loneliness or love.
over the past few months, i’ve compiled a list of things i need to work on. here they are:
- i need to understand and accept that some people have different views than me, no matter how terrible or unbelievable they seem. i am selfish in the sense that i cannot comprehend how someone can be inhumane, judgemental or just plain mean. it sucks that some people are genuinely racist or homophobic, but i need to learn to understand. i think that’s the first step to making a difference. after that, you can help them to change.
- i need to be more outgoing. i need to be braver when meeting new people. i need to stop shying away even though i know that i would get along so well with people. i’ve never been part of the group that everyone wants to be in, and i just want to meet more people. i’m not saying i’m going to start climbing the social ladder, but i’d like to extend my circle of friends.
- i need to compliment people more.
- i need to do things when i need to. this admittedly hasn’t been much of a problem recently but i could always improve at self-management. sometimes i find myself scrolling through instagram when i have a maths paper due the next morning, and all it does is stress me out.
- i need to eat better.
- i need to stop wishing time away at school. yes, lessons can be boring and verb conjugations make you want to cry, but it’s important to live in the moment. part 6.5: stop daydreaming as much. notice the details in your surroundings and remember how wonderfully alive you are.
all the love x
interdependence and inter-connection are two words that come to mind when i think of us (as well as intertwine, interstellar, intercede). i’ve just realised how important you are to me and how much i take you for granted, and i apologize for that.
so here it is; a love letter to you (because how better to romanticise romanticism?)
i’d firstly like to thank you for making me feel things as vividly as i do. honestly, it scares me sometimes; the extent to which i resonate with emotions and words and people; but i’d rather have it magnified tenfold than live a life without it. you make me feel alive. you make me feel special and unique on this heavily populated little planet and i can’t tell you how much that saves me.
i love loving. i love stitching my heart to as many sleeves as i can reach; painting it across the sky, hiding it in old creased pages. people ask me where i get my energy from, and i’ll reply with you. i can’t lie; it used to exhaust me. i used to come home drained and empty and starving, but how can you be happy with no love left for yourself?
do you remember that time? that month: i think it was around october. i was so empty. you left, and i was so lost and broken and i fell harder than i’d ever fell before. you broke my heart. you buried yourself so deep into his chest; so stubborn to leave (i think some of you is still lost in him, beating softly in his ribcage, maybe pulsing through his fingers), but i managed to wrench you out. i woke up bloody and bruised but i want to thank you for healing so quickly. of course, scars never fade but i’m okay with that. i don’t want to ever forget that month.
thankfully, i’ve learned from it. i’ve re-calibrated and decided that i should be my own top priority. i need to save some love for myself, to keep my heart full despite pouring so much out for others. it seems to work; i am the happiest i’ve ever been.
i love you so much.
today was a good day: i laughed and learned and loved.
- i talked and joked with people that i’ve never thought about speaking to, and that gives me hope. something sparks inside me when i make someone laugh, or when they smile at me across the classroom. note: people are friendly, let them be.
- i also finished a lot of coursework. motivation and determination have finally re-visited, and it feels good to see them again. i spent yesterday evening with a set of colourful pens, describing protein synthesis and how a sitar is played.
- i am finally out of that phase of hopelessness, nihilism and sadness. i am finally excited and ready for life. i am finally happy to live. a few weeks ago, i painfully remember saying to my friend: “imagine how easy it would be to not exist”. i am ashamed to have stooped so low but now my mindset has done a complete u-turn.
- my music taste has consisted of childish gambino, the weeknd and frank ocean. i’m starting to run out of new tunes (which is one of the worst feelings ever!)
- i didn’t see my ex today. i don’t know why i think that is significant enough to write about but i’m strangely empowered by that. i’ve promised myself that i will speak to him again; to tie up loose-ends and to say my thank-you’s and good-bye’s. not now, though. i think i’m too afraid.
- i had an apple at break-time.
- i saw a friend from another time today. how strange and nostalgic. i wonder if he also felt that rush of distant memories and that bittersweet reminiscence that i did.
- i have been struck by a terrible case of wanderlust (caught from my friend who keeps showing me pictures of faraway places). i am so excited to grow up and travel the world and get lost in its endlessly intricate beauty. the other day, i introduced our plan to travel over the summer to my mother, who instantly declined. i love her, and i completely understand her decision but i can’t help but feel disappointed. i’ll have to think a bit more.
so, that was today. thank you for reading.
all the love