i know it sounds so disgustingly romantic but i can’t seem to recall how i grew up so fast. suddenly i’m sat at a table in costa with a soya latte scrolling through my calendar. i’m seventeen in two weeks and i’m trying to understand the photoelectric effect, reciting the rules of alkane nomenclature and calculating the tax i should get refunded. i sit through lessons that drain the life out of me just for the attendance marks and the hope that my teacher writes a reference that gets me into university. i’m hauling textbooks around that i’m expected to memorise cover to cover.
but then comes days like yesterday when i’m reminded of my youth.
we raced down the path through the park, my legs stiff from the cold. the snow was getting heavier and the sun was setting through the clouds and my cheeks were freezing but i was undeniably happy. i caught my breath watching the snowflakes set on the grass. good memories were made here. endless summer days in my yellow dress, ice cream in hand and laughing with my friends. strange how it’s unrecognisable now; the daffodils still hiding and the bare, still trees. it was stunning and silent and absolutely beautiful.
you know that weird feeling you get when you finally realise something? the puzzle pieces in your brain finally click and you step back a little, astonished by the fact you’ve only just noticed the elephant standing in the corner. sometimes it’s slow, creeping up behind you, shadowing your footsteps until it fills your headspace. in other times, you feel like you just stumbled off a cliff and find yourself diving headfirst into this new strange world.
epiphanies are strange: those little eurekas that accumulate and stack up neatly in a drawer. for me, this past month has been full of them.
- no matter how much I refuse to ignore it, I do have a caffeine addiction.
- people are just people like trees are just trees and despite the irresistibility of romanticism, sometimes you have to step back and forget about the poetry.
- those passing mundane conversations with strangers will brighten both your days.
- there are times when you need to bite the bullet and times you need to run far away.
- don’t worry; they don’t have a clue either.
- cleaning your room is never as bad as you think it is. get on with it.
- people change.
- I know a staggering amount of song lyrics. that is a good thing. losing my voice and dancing and laughing at parties with people I barely know is one of the best feelings ever.
- I buy too many things.
- regret is a terrible thing. even in the worst situations, find the silver lining. if all else fails, stop dwelling on it.
all the love x
maybe she tastes like summer
and she is the dress you see swish
slipping away in your sun drenched dreams
and cherry lipstick blueberry eyes
she’ll tip your world downside up and
leave you spinning; she tastes like
daisies and syrupy sunlight and you
wonder how she manages to quench you yet
somehow leave an immutable feeling of
dehydration and infatuation are deadliest in the summer
hellooooooo I wrote something again.
this isn’t a poem.
this is me letting the tap run,
letting the red ink drip so
sweetly from my
this isn’t a poem.
this is me counting
all the times you made me smile
(they last me until the next time
i get to see your face again).
this isn’t a poem.
this is me romanticising
every atom of your body
my dear, your whole being
is a work of art.
this isn’t a poem.
this is my heart.
hello, i am sorry for not posting much recently. i think i’m too ingrained in life and that definitely isn’t a bad thing. don’t get me wrong; i will never stop writing.
all the love x
suddenly you realize that every morning you wake up with a warm glow in your chest and a smile that can’t be shaken and a head that is finally clear. you are happy. you are hopeful. you are home.
all the love x
you definitely know how much i love you. i am positive that you know how much you mean to me, and how much i am grateful for your existence. it’s been four and a half years since we met and i am perplexed as to how we got so close, but i am so happy that we did.
you are my soulmate. i’m pretty sure that among the rest of the human population, there is no one that understands me the way you do. you know everything about me, and i can say the same for you.
you make me (better, myself, happy…). i am so happy, and i wouldn’t be where i am if it wasn’t for you. you inspire me. you strengthen me. you encourage and reassure me.
together, we are crazy. a pair of absolute nutters. and i wouldn’t have it any other way.
raine (kiss kiss snog snog)
interdependence and inter-connection are two words that come to mind when i think of us (as well as intertwine, interstellar, intercede). i’ve just realised how important you are to me and how much i take you for granted, and i apologize for that.
so here it is; a love letter to you (because how better to romanticise romanticism?)
i’d firstly like to thank you for making me feel things as vividly as i do. honestly, it scares me sometimes; the extent to which i resonate with emotions and words and people; but i’d rather have it magnified tenfold than live a life without it. you make me feel alive. you make me feel special and unique on this heavily populated little planet and i can’t tell you how much that saves me.
i love loving. i love stitching my heart to as many sleeves as i can reach; painting it across the sky, hiding it in old creased pages. people ask me where i get my energy from, and i’ll reply with you. i can’t lie; it used to exhaust me. i used to come home drained and empty and starving, but how can you be happy with no love left for yourself?
do you remember that time? that month: i think it was around october. i was so empty. you left, and i was so lost and broken and i fell harder than i’d ever fell before. you broke my heart. you buried yourself so deep into his chest; so stubborn to leave (i think some of you is still lost in him, beating softly in his ribcage, maybe pulsing through his fingers), but i managed to wrench you out. i woke up bloody and bruised but i want to thank you for healing so quickly. of course, scars never fade but i’m okay with that. i don’t want to ever forget that month.
thankfully, i’ve learned from it. i’ve re-calibrated and decided that i should be my own top priority. i need to save some love for myself, to keep my heart full despite pouring so much out for others. it seems to work; i am the happiest i’ve ever been.
i love you so much.
i love words. i think that language is the most beautifully expressive, flexible and personal thing that humanity has come up with. isn’t it strange that an alphabet of twenty-six letters can arrange themselves in such mind-blowing ways? here are a few sayings and phrases that really resonate with me.
- “go big or go home” – anon. i have always been an introverted, careful, shy person and recently i’ve realised all the things i’m missing by having such qualities. this quote really inspires me to step out of my comfort zone and to not be afraid to live.
- “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself”– rupi kaur. buying this goddess’ book of poetry was one of the best decisions of my life, and i recommend everyone to read it. that day, i walked to the park and read each word aloud to the empty green. this quote pretty much sums up my year, and it helped me to get to this blissful stage of self-love and contentment.
- “i defy you, stars!” – shakespeare, romeo and juliet. a few months ago, i watched the baz luhrmann film version of this iconic play and fell in love with it. i love the 90’s theme, the authenticity of the narrative, the actors (leo dicaprio and claire danes must be the most dazzling actors around?) and of course, the beautiful poetry that shakespeare embeds into the wonderful storyline. what can i say? i’m a huge romantic!
- “days collect in strange perfection”. so basically, i thought this is what hozier was singing in ‘someone new’, which is a great song, by the way. turns out, he actually says ‘only blue or black days electing strange perfections in any stranger i choose’. i love hozier’s lyrics, but my misinterpretation really stuck with me. personally, it just reflects the craziness and yet comforting absurdity of life. it reminds me to accept things as they come and go and to be grateful of the way they stack up so nicely.
- “you are a work of art” – anon. this one is so special to me. last summer, i was struggling with nihilism and a sense of terrible insignificance, but i managed to get through it. i realised that yes, there are 7.5 billion of us living on this tiny rock. yes, our existences mean nothing in the grand scale of time and space and black holes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love our little lives. we are allowed to plait our hair and smile at strangers; those small things still have meaning. we are all special. we are allowed to be worth something. we are allowed to have a place on this world.
i hope you all had/have a good day and that you will encounter some words that strike a chord in your heart as beautiful as these did in mine.
all the love x
from this angle, i can’t see any clouds in the sky. this is the first sunny day in a long time, despite the freezing temperatures, and i feel calm. there is no reason to not be. it’s five minutes to eleven and the hands on my clock line up perfectly.
not anymore (time ticks on, does it not?). i made a pile of orange peel on my duvet and my fingers still smell sweet. my christmas break has been truly wonderful for a multitude of reasons, but here are a few highlights:
- it was christmas?? name any other day that’s as heartwarming or happy.
- my friend and i took the train to the forest with my dog last week. it was one of the best days in a while and i hope i don’t forget it.
- i feel re-adjusted. my footing on the world has shifted for the better. take me back to school! i’m so ready.
- i visited my godmother yesterday. she has been battling with cancer for a while and is in her last few months. i’m not sure how i feel, but i am sure that she is the strongest, most admirable woman i know. her daughter came to visit and although she doesn’t remember me taking her swimming when she was younger, we had a lot of fun. she’s only six but she is so beautiful. kinda sassy but hilarious. we spent the morning cutting wrapping paper into ‘snow’ and throwing it around like confetti.
recently, i’ve realised how lucky i am. i am so grateful for this little life i am living and i wouldn’t change it for the world (or the moon or the stars or the whole universe).
all the best x