i know it sounds so disgustingly romantic but i can’t seem to recall how i grew up so fast. suddenly i’m sat at a table in costa with a soya latte scrolling through my calendar. i’m seventeen in two weeks and i’m trying to understand the photoelectric effect, reciting the rules of alkane nomenclature and calculating the tax i should get refunded. i sit through lessons that drain the life out of me just for the attendance marks and the hope that my teacher writes a reference that gets me into university. i’m hauling textbooks around that i’m expected to memorise cover to cover.
but then comes days like yesterday when i’m reminded of my youth.
we raced down the path through the park, my legs stiff from the cold. the snow was getting heavier and the sun was setting through the clouds and my cheeks were freezing but i was undeniably happy. i caught my breath watching the snowflakes set on the grass. good memories were made here. endless summer days in my yellow dress, ice cream in hand and laughing with my friends. strange how it’s unrecognisable now; the daffodils still hiding and the bare, still trees. it was stunning and silent and absolutely beautiful.
i don’t know why i still get surprised whenever the tide changes. things that meant the world to me three weeks ago are no longer a part of my life and i have finally realised that maybe it’s for the best. i have so much hope in me. my best friend and i spent a night laughing and dreaming and planning and i am so excited for everything that lies ahead. there are so many places to see and people to meet and days to begin and end and songs to be played and seconds to tick on. i want to be a civil engineer. these weird and wonderful times inspire me and i am dangerously excited to fall headfirst into them.
you know who you are. i hope you are okay. maybe you too have decided to finally let go. i hope we can still talk like old friends and that you’ll grow up to be the person you want to be. i saw your dad this weekend; he seems well and i hope you can make him proud. unfortunately i still know a bit too much about you and i don’t think i’ll ever forget any of it. i’m not sure if you could say the same but i will always be here.
love always x
please notice – christian akridge, the good side – troye sivan, paradise – george ezra, bluebird – alexis ffrench
you smell like tea.
I know you know
I love your hugs by
the way you melt
– a marshmallow in
a blue button down.
two sugars, right?
I’ll fix you up, love,
as long as you just
stay a while.
sunlight peeks through half-open blinds, painting stripes across crumpled white bedsheets and there’s a mug of tea, that, in this short moment, is the perfect temperature. it’s always wonderful when you discover new music that seems to flow so seamlessly from your speakers right into your veins (the soft hum of violin chords and piano keys). there are no clouds in the sky. you breathe in. you feel weightless. there is a subtle glow of – what is this? hope? anyway Something is in the corner of the room, filling it with light that seems to permeate walls and thought and skin. it fills all the empty spaces. it blurs the edges and suddenly everything is smooth. soft, still, like water.
you sip your tea.
you know that weird feeling you get when you finally realise something? the puzzle pieces in your brain finally click and you step back a little, astonished by the fact you’ve only just noticed the elephant standing in the corner. sometimes it’s slow, creeping up behind you, shadowing your footsteps until it fills your headspace. in other times, you feel like you just stumbled off a cliff and find yourself diving headfirst into this new strange world.
epiphanies are strange: those little eurekas that accumulate and stack up neatly in a drawer. for me, this past month has been full of them.
- no matter how much I refuse to ignore it, I do have a caffeine addiction.
- people are just people like trees are just trees and despite the irresistibility of romanticism, sometimes you have to step back and forget about the poetry.
- those passing mundane conversations with strangers will brighten both your days.
- there are times when you need to bite the bullet and times you need to run far away.
- don’t worry; they don’t have a clue either.
- cleaning your room is never as bad as you think it is. get on with it.
- people change.
- I know a staggering amount of song lyrics. that is a good thing. losing my voice and dancing and laughing at parties with people I barely know is one of the best feelings ever.
- I buy too many things.
- regret is a terrible thing. even in the worst situations, find the silver lining. if all else fails, stop dwelling on it.
all the love x
suddenly you realize that every morning you wake up with a warm glow in your chest and a smile that can’t be shaken and a head that is finally clear. you are happy. you are hopeful. you are home.
all the love x
i love words. i think that language is the most beautifully expressive, flexible and personal thing that humanity has come up with. isn’t it strange that an alphabet of twenty-six letters can arrange themselves in such mind-blowing ways? here are a few sayings and phrases that really resonate with me.
- “go big or go home” – anon. i have always been an introverted, careful, shy person and recently i’ve realised all the things i’m missing by having such qualities. this quote really inspires me to step out of my comfort zone and to not be afraid to live.
- “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself”– rupi kaur. buying this goddess’ book of poetry was one of the best decisions of my life, and i recommend everyone to read it. that day, i walked to the park and read each word aloud to the empty green. this quote pretty much sums up my year, and it helped me to get to this blissful stage of self-love and contentment.
- “i defy you, stars!” – shakespeare, romeo and juliet. a few months ago, i watched the baz luhrmann film version of this iconic play and fell in love with it. i love the 90’s theme, the authenticity of the narrative, the actors (leo dicaprio and claire danes must be the most dazzling actors around?) and of course, the beautiful poetry that shakespeare embeds into the wonderful storyline. what can i say? i’m a huge romantic!
- “days collect in strange perfection”. so basically, i thought this is what hozier was singing in ‘someone new’, which is a great song, by the way. turns out, he actually says ‘only blue or black days electing strange perfections in any stranger i choose’. i love hozier’s lyrics, but my misinterpretation really stuck with me. personally, it just reflects the craziness and yet comforting absurdity of life. it reminds me to accept things as they come and go and to be grateful of the way they stack up so nicely.
- “you are a work of art” – anon. this one is so special to me. last summer, i was struggling with nihilism and a sense of terrible insignificance, but i managed to get through it. i realised that yes, there are 7.5 billion of us living on this tiny rock. yes, our existences mean nothing in the grand scale of time and space and black holes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love our little lives. we are allowed to plait our hair and smile at strangers; those small things still have meaning. we are all special. we are allowed to be worth something. we are allowed to have a place on this world.
i hope you all had/have a good day and that you will encounter some words that strike a chord in your heart as beautiful as these did in mine.
all the love x
from this angle, i can’t see any clouds in the sky. this is the first sunny day in a long time, despite the freezing temperatures, and i feel calm. there is no reason to not be. it’s five minutes to eleven and the hands on my clock line up perfectly.
not anymore (time ticks on, does it not?). i made a pile of orange peel on my duvet and my fingers still smell sweet. my christmas break has been truly wonderful for a multitude of reasons, but here are a few highlights:
- it was christmas?? name any other day that’s as heartwarming or happy.
- my friend and i took the train to the forest with my dog last week. it was one of the best days in a while and i hope i don’t forget it.
- i feel re-adjusted. my footing on the world has shifted for the better. take me back to school! i’m so ready.
- i visited my godmother yesterday. she has been battling with cancer for a while and is in her last few months. i’m not sure how i feel, but i am sure that she is the strongest, most admirable woman i know. her daughter came to visit and although she doesn’t remember me taking her swimming when she was younger, we had a lot of fun. she’s only six but she is so beautiful. kinda sassy but hilarious. we spent the morning cutting wrapping paper into ‘snow’ and throwing it around like confetti.
recently, i’ve realised how lucky i am. i am so grateful for this little life i am living and i wouldn’t change it for the world (or the moon or the stars or the whole universe).
all the best x
today was a good day: i laughed and learned and loved.
- i talked and joked with people that i’ve never thought about speaking to, and that gives me hope. something sparks inside me when i make someone laugh, or when they smile at me across the classroom. note: people are friendly, let them be.
- i also finished a lot of coursework. motivation and determination have finally re-visited, and it feels good to see them again. i spent yesterday evening with a set of colourful pens, describing protein synthesis and how a sitar is played.
- i am finally out of that phase of hopelessness, nihilism and sadness. i am finally excited and ready for life. i am finally happy to live. a few weeks ago, i painfully remember saying to my friend: “imagine how easy it would be to not exist”. i am ashamed to have stooped so low but now my mindset has done a complete u-turn.
- my music taste has consisted of childish gambino, the weeknd and frank ocean. i’m starting to run out of new tunes (which is one of the worst feelings ever!)
- i didn’t see my ex today. i don’t know why i think that is significant enough to write about but i’m strangely empowered by that. i’ve promised myself that i will speak to him again; to tie up loose-ends and to say my thank-you’s and good-bye’s. not now, though. i think i’m too afraid.
- i had an apple at break-time.
- i saw a friend from another time today. how strange and nostalgic. i wonder if he also felt that rush of distant memories and that bittersweet reminiscence that i did.
- i have been struck by a terrible case of wanderlust (caught from my friend who keeps showing me pictures of faraway places). i am so excited to grow up and travel the world and get lost in its endlessly intricate beauty. the other day, i introduced our plan to travel over the summer to my mother, who instantly declined. i love her, and i completely understand her decision but i can’t help but feel disappointed. i’ll have to think a bit more.
so, that was today. thank you for reading.
all the love