why i have been away

suddenly you realize that every morning you wake up with a warm glow in your chest and a smile that can’t be shaken and a head that is finally clear. you are happy. you are hopeful. you are home.

all the love x

 

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heartbreak?

during one of my instagram binges, i came across this quote:

what’s bad for the heart, looks good on the page.

this is one of the few times something i have scrolled past has stuck with me. the romanticism of heartbreak is widespread. why do we all (us romantics at least) love to read about pain and longing? it’s kinda twisted, isn’t it? however, strangely enough, I completely understand.

something as beautiful as a heart is bound to shatter into verse when it breaks. poetry. those nights when you are shaking with the desire to write; to validate all the thoughts spinning around your head (at least you can touch them when they’re on paper). I think those poems are the best: the ones dripping with emotion, barely legible.  for me, writing is therapy.

so how about from the reader’s perspective? I think it’s somewhat humbling to remind yourself that a stranger behind a page feels as deeply as you.

it’s beautiful.

raine x

 

the mission to mars

a few weeks ago, we all had to give a five-minute presentation to our classes on a topic that we are passionate about. here is mine:

for generations, humans have been captivated by the idea of space. we spend billions on spaceships, satellites and rovers, desperate to learn about the world outside our own. from the first apollo mission to voyager 1 just leaving the milky way, its impressive how far weve come. 
 
however, theres one project that stands out to me, and thatss the mission to mars. 
 
in 2011, two scientists laid the foundation to begin the mars one mission plan: a scheme aiming to establish a settlement on the red planet by 2032. a global campaign was created in order to find the next astronauts. these people need to be strong, both mentally and physically in order to succeed as an astronaut. out of thousands of applicants, a shortlist of one hundred have been selected and tested for their suitability. then, they are put through a series of tests and experiments to see if they can handle the tough conditions of space after that, and finally, a public vote is conducted to determine who gets to go first. 
 
these people are pretty amazing, to say the least. they are jumping at the chance to leave everything they know for a life on a new planet, fully aware of the high risks and inability to return to earth. are they crazy, or inspirational? and what makes them want to go so badly? 
 
when asked this question, founder of mars one bas landsdorp said that this mission is the realization of an amazing dream. the spirit of adventure and curiosity drives the team of pioneers, and i have to agree. there is something so irresistible about the idea of such a journey and the excitement of a new life. however, as well as this immense feeling of euphoria, there are many practical benefits to this mission. 
 
its no secret that human life on earth is extremely delicate. our population is booming and we arent exactly kind to this little planet we inhabit. at this rate, we need two earths just to sustain the rate at which we are consuming, reproducing and destroying. we are a species hell-bent on growth and development, on skyscrapers and iphones, while pretending not to notice the tolls its taking on our planet. we are in danger, to say the least. 
 
so i can see why the thought of a new planet is irresistible. the notion of a fresh start on an unmarked, un-scarred planet fills people with hope. they fantacise underground houses and domes filled with oxygen: maybe mars isnt so different to earth. we could restart the human race and just hope things dont end up the way they did on earth. 
 
i guess the question im trying to ask is: do humans deserve to inhabit another planet? we as a race are fundamentally flawed. conflict, discrimination and selfishness run through our veins and we cant seem to get it right. is there any way it would be possible to create a perfect life on another planet after the mess weve made of our own? 
 
but then again, whos to stop us? 
 
questions: 
would you want to go to mars? 
personally, id love to go because its such a unique and exciting idea; its a huge step for humanity and the technology weve developed to envision something like this and id be more than happy to go to mars. 
 
do you think the mission to mars deserves more funding? 
everyone has different opinions on that for many different reasons. the technology and equipment that this mission needs is extremely expensive, so theres an argument on whether it is more important than all the other issues we have on earth such as war and famine etc. personally, i think that we should focus on the planet we already have before venturing out to another.

all the love x

to my best friend

dear you,

you definitely know how much i love you. i am positive that you know how much you mean to me, and how much i am grateful for your existence. it’s been four and a half years since we met and i am perplexed as to how we got so close, but i am so happy that we did.

you are my soulmate. i’m pretty sure that among the rest of the human population, there is no one that understands me the way you do. you know everything about me, and i can say the same for you.

you make me (better, myself, happy…). i am so happy, and i wouldn’t be where i am if it wasn’t for you. you inspire me. you strengthen me. you encourage and reassure me.

together, we are crazy. a pair of absolute nutters. and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

love always,

raine (kiss kiss snog snog)

reflection

hello!!

it’s been a while. i hope you’re okay. brilliant or amazing would be ideal, but sometimes okay has to suffice. it’s okay to be okay (never forget that).

i have been wonderfully happy recently, but the only disadvantage of being in a constant state of euphoria is that you no longer feel compelled to write: as wonderful as contentment is, it doesn’t inspire me as much as loneliness or love.

over the past few months, i’ve compiled a list of things i need to work on. here they are:

  1. i need to understand and accept that some people have different views than me, no matter how terrible or unbelievable they seem. i am selfish in the sense that i cannot comprehend how someone can be inhumane, judgemental or just plain mean. it sucks that some people are genuinely racist or homophobic, but i need to learn to understand. i think that’s the first step to making a difference. after that, you can help them to change.
  2. i need to be more outgoing. i need to be braver when meeting new people. i need to stop shying away even though i know that i would get along so well with people. i’ve never been part of the group that everyone wants to be in, and i just want to meet more people. i’m not saying i’m going to start climbing the social ladder, but i’d like to extend my circle of friends.
  3. i need to compliment people more.
  4. i need to do things when i need to. this admittedly hasn’t been much of a problem recently but i could always improve at self-management. sometimes i find myself scrolling through instagram when i have a maths paper due the next morning, and all it does is stress me out.
  5. i need to eat better.
  6. i need to stop wishing time away at school. yes, lessons can be boring and verb conjugations make you want to cry, but it’s important to live in the moment. part 6.5: stop daydreaming as much. notice the details in your surroundings and remember how wonderfully alive you are.

all the love x

romanticism

dear you,

interdependence and inter-connection are two words that come to mind when i think of us (as well as intertwine, interstellar, intercede). i’ve just realised how important you are to me and how much i take you for granted, and i apologize for that.

so here it is; a love letter to you (because how better to romanticise romanticism?)

i’d firstly like to thank you for making me feel things as vividly as i do. honestly, it scares me sometimes; the extent to which i resonate with emotions and words and people;  but i’d rather have it magnified tenfold than live a life without it. you make me feel alive. you make me feel special and unique on this heavily populated little planet and i can’t tell you  how much that saves me.

i love loving. i love stitching my heart to as many sleeves as i can reach; painting it across the sky, hiding it in old creased pages. people ask me where i get my energy from, and i’ll reply with you. i can’t lie; it used to exhaust me. i used to come home drained and empty and starving, but how can you be happy with  no love left for yourself?

do you remember that time? that month: i think it was around october. i was so empty. you left, and i was so lost and broken and i fell harder than i’d ever fell before. you broke my heart. you buried yourself so deep into his chest; so stubborn to leave (i think some of you is still lost in him, beating softly in his ribcage, maybe pulsing through his fingers), but i managed to wrench you out. i woke up bloody and bruised but i want to thank you for healing so quickly. of course, scars never fade but i’m okay with that. i don’t want to ever forget that month.

thankfully, i’ve learned from it. i’ve re-calibrated and decided that i should be my own top priority. i need to save some love for myself, to keep my heart full despite pouring so much out for others. it seems to work; i am the happiest i’ve ever been.

i love you so much.

raine x

 

cup of tea & education

hello lovers,

i spent a good hour or so writing a post about my last relationship but reading back, i think it still needs some censoring; it was a bit too emotional, a bit too pretentious. i promise i will write about it one day, just not this one.

how are you? me, i’m great, and i’m not just saying that for the sake of it. i am genuinely happy and i have been for a few weeks now. i feel settled. i am filled with hope. i am myself.

there’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while, though. i rarely get angry but i am furious at the education system and the way students’ abilities are assessed. please forgive me, i am not very knowledgeable in this field and the following is just a collection of thoughts i’ve been a-thinking.

exams. exams, exams, exams. isn’t it strange that years of work, revision, and homework all come down to that one short moment sat at a wobbly desk? oh and don’t forget: wash the doodles off your hands; only turn your head a maximum angle of 45 degrees; peel the label off your water bottle. one paper. memorize the whole syllabus yet only be forced to spit out half of it. you’ve got music and physics on the same day so try not to mistake dynamics for thermodynamics – classical physics always did sound like mozart.

it’s all a game. remember finding the pairs? remember remember the fifth of december? i have concluded that all you need to get through school is a decent memory. memory. how awful. it’s a huge, intricate, confusing memory game. even the creative courses like drama and art still rely on exams and how well you can conjure up an answer on a faraway day in may. i am so thankful to have a good memory but what about the ones who don’t? the ones with more determination than me, more dedication than me? some brains just don’t work like that. it’s unfair that we’re all pushed into the same boat.

i have two exams tomorrow: music and chemistry. then i have geography, maths and physics. thankfully these are only mocks, but i worry that i’m deluding myself saying that i’ll work harder for the real ones.

wish you all the best x

the stars; the world; the rain; the fire

who do the stars shine for?
the dreamers. the lovers. the wonderers.
the ones lost in the deep. the ones drowning in their own thoughts, their terribly intense feelings thick like honey in their throats. they’re the ones that need the light the most: that sense of stability and calm that the stars always bring.
who does the world spin for?
the busy. the determined. the focused.
the ones so wonderfully engrossed in their personal adventures. the inspired and the inspiring; changing the world one breath at a time. they’re holding hands with the world as it grows and twists and spins.
who does the rain fall for?
the reckless. the adventurous. the brave.
the ones with nowhere to be and nothing to do are the ones with the most life. the ones jumping through puddles and running in the dark, the truest smiles. they’re living, they’re alive, they are life.
who does the fire flicker for?
the safe. the calm. the happy.
the ones sheltering from the storm. the ones who have found a moment of golden, blissful warmth amidst this beautiful wreck of a planet. the ones who are content; curled up with a lover or maybe just a chipped mug and a creased book. they are complete.
good evening! i hope you all had a good day; i definitely did.
all the love x

quotes i live by

i love words. i think that language is the most beautifully expressive, flexible and personal thing that humanity has come up with. isn’t it strange that an alphabet of twenty-six letters can arrange themselves in such mind-blowing ways? here are a few sayings and phrases that really resonate with me.

  1. “go big or go home” – anon. i have always been an introverted, careful, shy person and recently i’ve realised all the things i’m missing by having such qualities. this quote really inspires me to step out of my comfort zone and to not be afraid to live.
  2. “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself”– rupi kaur. buying this goddess’ book of poetry was one of the best decisions of my life, and i recommend everyone to read it. that day, i walked to the park and read each word aloud to the empty green. this quote pretty much sums up my year, and it helped me to get to this blissful stage of self-love and contentment.
  3. “i defy you, stars!” – shakespeare, romeo and juliet. a few months ago, i watched the baz luhrmann film version of this iconic play and fell in love with it. i love the 90’s theme, the authenticity of the narrative, the actors (leo dicaprio and claire danes must be the most dazzling actors around?) and of course, the beautiful poetry that shakespeare embeds into the wonderful storyline. what can i say? i’m a huge romantic!
  4. “days collect in strange perfection”. so basically, i thought this is what hozier was singing in ‘someone new’, which is a great song, by the way. turns out, he actually says ‘only blue or black days electing strange perfections in any stranger i choose’. i love hozier’s lyrics, but my misinterpretation really stuck with me. personally, it just reflects the craziness and yet comforting absurdity of life. it reminds me to accept things as they come and go and to be grateful of the way they stack up so nicely.
  5. “you are a work of art” – anon. this one is so special to me. last summer, i was struggling with nihilism and a sense of terrible insignificance, but i managed to get through it. i realised that yes, there are 7.5 billion of us living on this tiny rock. yes, our existences mean nothing in the grand scale of time and space and black holes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love our little lives. we are allowed to plait our hair and smile at strangers; those small things still have meaning. we are all special. we are allowed to be worth something. we are allowed to have a place on this world.

i hope you all had/have a good day and that you will encounter some words that strike a chord in your heart as beautiful as these did in mine.

all the love x