i spent a good hour or so writing a post about my last relationship but reading back, i think it still needs some censoring; it was a bit too emotional, a bit too pretentious. i promise i will write about it one day, just not this one.
how are you? me, i’m great, and i’m not just saying that for the sake of it. i am genuinely happy and i have been for a few weeks now. i feel settled. i am filled with hope. i am myself.
there’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while, though. i rarely get angry but i am furious at the education system and the way students’ abilities are assessed. please forgive me, i am not very knowledgeable in this field and the following is just a collection of thoughts i’ve been a-thinking.
exams. exams, exams, exams. isn’t it strange that years of work, revision, and homework all come down to that one short moment sat at a wobbly desk? oh and don’t forget: wash the doodles off your hands; only turn your head a maximum angle of 45 degrees; peel the label off your water bottle. one paper. memorize the whole syllabus yet only be forced to spit out half of it. you’ve got music and physics on the same day so try not to mistake dynamics for thermodynamics – classical physics always did sound like mozart.
it’s all a game. remember finding the pairs? remember remember the fifth of december? i have concluded that all you need to get through school is a decent memory. memory. how awful. it’s a huge, intricate, confusing memory game. even the creative courses like drama and art still rely on exams and how well you can conjure up an answer on a faraway day in may. i am so thankful to have a good memory but what about the ones who don’t? the ones with more determination than me, more dedication than me? some brains just don’t work like that. it’s unfair that we’re all pushed into the same boat.
i have two exams tomorrow: music and chemistry. then i have geography, maths and physics. thankfully these are only mocks, but i worry that i’m deluding myself saying that i’ll work harder for the real ones.
wish you all the best x
who do the stars shine for?
the dreamers. the lovers. the wonderers.
the ones lost in the deep. the ones drowning in their own thoughts, their terribly intense feelings thick like honey in their throats. they’re the ones that need the light the most: that sense of stability and calm that the stars always bring.
who does the world spin for?
the busy. the determined. the focused.
the ones so wonderfully engrossed in their personal adventures. the inspired and the inspiring; changing the world one breath at a time. they’re holding hands with the world as it grows and twists and spins.
who does the rain fall for?
the reckless. the adventurous. the brave.
the ones with nowhere to be and nothing to do are the ones with the most life. the ones jumping through puddles and running in the dark, the truest smiles. they’re living, they’re alive, they are life.
who does the fire flicker for?
the safe. the calm. the happy.
the ones sheltering from the storm. the ones who have found a moment of golden, blissful warmth amidst this beautiful wreck of a planet. the ones who are content; curled up with a lover or maybe just a chipped mug and a creased book. they are complete.
good evening! i hope you all had a good day; i definitely did.
all the love x
i love words. i think that language is the most beautifully expressive, flexible and personal thing that humanity has come up with. isn’t it strange that an alphabet of twenty-six letters can arrange themselves in such mind-blowing ways? here are a few sayings and phrases that really resonate with me.
- “go big or go home” – anon. i have always been an introverted, careful, shy person and recently i’ve realised all the things i’m missing by having such qualities. this quote really inspires me to step out of my comfort zone and to not be afraid to live.
- “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself”– rupi kaur. buying this goddess’ book of poetry was one of the best decisions of my life, and i recommend everyone to read it. that day, i walked to the park and read each word aloud to the empty green. this quote pretty much sums up my year, and it helped me to get to this blissful stage of self-love and contentment.
- “i defy you, stars!” – shakespeare, romeo and juliet. a few months ago, i watched the baz luhrmann film version of this iconic play and fell in love with it. i love the 90’s theme, the authenticity of the narrative, the actors (leo dicaprio and claire danes must be the most dazzling actors around?) and of course, the beautiful poetry that shakespeare embeds into the wonderful storyline. what can i say? i’m a huge romantic!
- “days collect in strange perfection”. so basically, i thought this is what hozier was singing in ‘someone new’, which is a great song, by the way. turns out, he actually says ‘only blue or black days electing strange perfections in any stranger i choose’. i love hozier’s lyrics, but my misinterpretation really stuck with me. personally, it just reflects the craziness and yet comforting absurdity of life. it reminds me to accept things as they come and go and to be grateful of the way they stack up so nicely.
- “you are a work of art” – anon. this one is so special to me. last summer, i was struggling with nihilism and a sense of terrible insignificance, but i managed to get through it. i realised that yes, there are 7.5 billion of us living on this tiny rock. yes, our existences mean nothing in the grand scale of time and space and black holes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love our little lives. we are allowed to plait our hair and smile at strangers; those small things still have meaning. we are all special. we are allowed to be worth something. we are allowed to have a place on this world.
i hope you all had/have a good day and that you will encounter some words that strike a chord in your heart as beautiful as these did in mine.
all the love x
hello 2017! it’s lovely to meet you. tonight has been wonderful and included blowing party whistles as loud as i can out the car window, finally finishing undertale (wow?!?!?) and stuffing my face with mozzarella sticks.
i am so excited to get to know you. there’s a buzz in my veins that comes with the hope and freshness of a new year and i know this will be a great one.
bring it on.
from this angle, i can’t see any clouds in the sky. this is the first sunny day in a long time, despite the freezing temperatures, and i feel calm. there is no reason to not be. it’s five minutes to eleven and the hands on my clock line up perfectly.
not anymore (time ticks on, does it not?). i made a pile of orange peel on my duvet and my fingers still smell sweet. my christmas break has been truly wonderful for a multitude of reasons, but here are a few highlights:
- it was christmas?? name any other day that’s as heartwarming or happy.
- my friend and i took the train to the forest with my dog last week. it was one of the best days in a while and i hope i don’t forget it.
- i feel re-adjusted. my footing on the world has shifted for the better. take me back to school! i’m so ready.
- i visited my godmother yesterday. she has been battling with cancer for a while and is in her last few months. i’m not sure how i feel, but i am sure that she is the strongest, most admirable woman i know. her daughter came to visit and although she doesn’t remember me taking her swimming when she was younger, we had a lot of fun. she’s only six but she is so beautiful. kinda sassy but hilarious. we spent the morning cutting wrapping paper into ‘snow’ and throwing it around like confetti.
recently, i’ve realised how lucky i am. i am so grateful for this little life i am living and i wouldn’t change it for the world (or the moon or the stars or the whole universe).
all the best x
well. here we are, at the end of 2016. it’s 7:30pm on christmas day and i’m listening to ed sheeran on my new laptop, eyes tired and fuzzy insides but i’d like to write something. this year has been pretty extraordinary, to say the least.
i. i’ve loved and i’ve lost. funny, isn’t it? how wonderfully cliché first loves can be. i’ve purposefully not written about it much on here because i don’t want to dwell on it nor do i need to. i am proud of myself for not breaking too much when he left and fornot regretting a single second that chanced to happen. i loved him; past tense. i am thankful for everything and wish us both the best; future tense.
ii. i’ve pushed my boundaries and my comfort zone. i am proud of myself for learning to let go and laugh through the crazy situations i keep finding myself in. i love covering my face in glitter. i love running in the rain. i love screaming into open fields with only the cows to hear you.
iii. i’ve found myself. i’ve come to terms with everything that i am and i can’t tell you how lovely that feels. i know i’m only fifteen and can only imagine the things i will become – the amazing things i know i am capable of. i’m no longer afraid of myself.
iv. i’ve seen so many beautiful places and done so many incredible things. between homework and exams and revision, i’ve realised the importance of taking time off. it’s okay to be a bit reckless sometimes. these days, my money is spent on train tickets and coffees from faraway cafes that i’ll never see again, and i won’t have it any other way. i know it’s hard to juggle everything but you need to give yourself time to be a person.
v. my relationship with my family has improved so much. we still disagree on a few major issues, but i can understand them now. i love them.
vi. i’m finally happy. i’ve hit some of my lowest points this year and struggled through phases of nihilism and existentialism but now i am happy. i’ve realised how incredibly precious, intricate and special life is and that has helped me persevere. i am happy. firmly, truly, beautifully happy.
bring it on, 2017. i am so excited to meet you.
all the love x
she spends mornings unwrapping furry stalks
from cellophane, being careful not to
tear or bruise vivid chlorophyllic leaves
nature cut so precisely with stencils
for her. so, she takes each stunted stumpy
bloom and picks away the dust between
the buds and skewed petals until she has
made them perfect (to shallow observers’
sense of sight exclusively). that colour
fits in the category of Things you Can’t
Quite Describe with Words. but rather, with soft
memories of over-creamed and over-
sweetened cups of coffee from a tiny
cafe between the collarbones of an
ambiguously-aged mountain, bruised with
traces and dusty fingerprints and ghosts
of generations of feeling beings.
the chalky ground bleeds with nitrates (and de-
composed dusty daydreams) for the flora
blooming boldly between silver stacked slate.
until she comes, one morning, to pick
the furry stalks, bundle them with rope and
arrange them in such a specific way
that pleases a muffled part of the pulse
beneath the left side of her ribcage.
thanks for reading! this is one of my first (and favourite) poems i’ve written, inspired by early mornings watching my mum arrange flowers on the kitchen table. follow my instagram account if you want to see more! @for.poetry.etc
all the love x
i think it’s safe to say that music is one of the biggest parts of my life. my music taste is …eclectic and strange and wonderful and i have no reason for it other than THESE SONGS ARE AMAZING so here is a small sample:
- me and your mama – childish gambino
- a-yo – lady gaga
- love at first sight – the brobecks
- sex and question marks – the wombats
- toothpaste kisses – the maccabees
- cherry wine – hozier
- white ferrari – frank ocean
- first day of my life – gnash ft. goody grace
- cocoon – milky chance
- prelude no. 15 – chopin
- sparks – coldplay
- pipedreams- willie j healey
- lava glaciers – riff raff ft. childish gambino
- hung over – glue70
- summer dress – july talk
- passenger seat – death cab for cutie
- sex – eden
- hazey – glass animals
- #88 – lo-fang
- madness – muse
- graveyard whistling – nothing but thieves
- northern downpour – panic! at the disco
- get over it – rat boy
- glowing eyes – twenty one pilots
- she’s got you high – mumm-ra
- i feel it coming – the weeknd ft. daft punk
- it’s you – zayn
- girls like me – will joseph cook
- light down low – max ft. gnash
- to me – chet faker
- life on mars? – david bowie
- wake me up – ed sheeran
- put a flower in your pocket – the arcs
- jailbreak – awolnation
- everglow – coldplay
- redbone – childish gambino
ah there’s such a lovely feeling in my chest after hearing all those songs again. bonus: my favourite christmas song is christmas lights by coldplay.
all the best x
today was a good day: i laughed and learned and loved.
- i talked and joked with people that i’ve never thought about speaking to, and that gives me hope. something sparks inside me when i make someone laugh, or when they smile at me across the classroom. note: people are friendly, let them be.
- i also finished a lot of coursework. motivation and determination have finally re-visited, and it feels good to see them again. i spent yesterday evening with a set of colourful pens, describing protein synthesis and how a sitar is played.
- i am finally out of that phase of hopelessness, nihilism and sadness. i am finally excited and ready for life. i am finally happy to live. a few weeks ago, i painfully remember saying to my friend: “imagine how easy it would be to not exist”. i am ashamed to have stooped so low but now my mindset has done a complete u-turn.
- my music taste has consisted of childish gambino, the weeknd and frank ocean. i’m starting to run out of new tunes (which is one of the worst feelings ever!)
- i didn’t see my ex today. i don’t know why i think that is significant enough to write about but i’m strangely empowered by that. i’ve promised myself that i will speak to him again; to tie up loose-ends and to say my thank-you’s and good-bye’s. not now, though. i think i’m too afraid.
- i had an apple at break-time.
- i saw a friend from another time today. how strange and nostalgic. i wonder if he also felt that rush of distant memories and that bittersweet reminiscence that i did.
- i have been struck by a terrible case of wanderlust (caught from my friend who keeps showing me pictures of faraway places). i am so excited to grow up and travel the world and get lost in its endlessly intricate beauty. the other day, i introduced our plan to travel over the summer to my mother, who instantly declined. i love her, and i completely understand her decision but i can’t help but feel disappointed. i’ll have to think a bit more.
so, that was today. thank you for reading.
all the love