you definitely know how much i love you. i am positive that you know how much you mean to me, and how much i am grateful for your existence. it’s been four and a half years since we met and i am perplexed as to how we got so close, but i am so happy that we did.
you are my soulmate. i’m pretty sure that among the rest of the human population, there is no one that understands me the way you do. you know everything about me, and i can say the same for you.
you make me (better, myself, happy…). i am so happy, and i wouldn’t be where i am if it wasn’t for you. you inspire me. you strengthen me. you encourage and reassure me.
together, we are crazy. a pair of absolute nutters. and i wouldn’t have it any other way.
raine (kiss kiss snog snog)
it’s been a while. i hope you’re okay. brilliant or amazing would be ideal, but sometimes okay has to suffice. it’s okay to be okay (never forget that).
i have been wonderfully happy recently, but the only disadvantage of being in a constant state of euphoria is that you no longer feel compelled to write: as wonderful as contentment is, it doesn’t inspire me as much as loneliness or love.
over the past few months, i’ve compiled a list of things i need to work on. here they are:
- i need to understand and accept that some people have different views than me, no matter how terrible or unbelievable they seem. i am selfish in the sense that i cannot comprehend how someone can be inhumane, judgemental or just plain mean. it sucks that some people are genuinely racist or homophobic, but i need to learn to understand. i think that’s the first step to making a difference. after that, you can help them to change.
- i need to be more outgoing. i need to be braver when meeting new people. i need to stop shying away even though i know that i would get along so well with people. i’ve never been part of the group that everyone wants to be in, and i just want to meet more people. i’m not saying i’m going to start climbing the social ladder, but i’d like to extend my circle of friends.
- i need to compliment people more.
- i need to do things when i need to. this admittedly hasn’t been much of a problem recently but i could always improve at self-management. sometimes i find myself scrolling through instagram when i have a maths paper due the next morning, and all it does is stress me out.
- i need to eat better.
- i need to stop wishing time away at school. yes, lessons can be boring and verb conjugations make you want to cry, but it’s important to live in the moment. part 6.5: stop daydreaming as much. notice the details in your surroundings and remember how wonderfully alive you are.
all the love x
interdependence and inter-connection are two words that come to mind when i think of us (as well as intertwine, interstellar, intercede). i’ve just realised how important you are to me and how much i take you for granted, and i apologize for that.
so here it is; a love letter to you (because how better to romanticise romanticism?)
i’d firstly like to thank you for making me feel things as vividly as i do. honestly, it scares me sometimes; the extent to which i resonate with emotions and words and people; but i’d rather have it magnified tenfold than live a life without it. you make me feel alive. you make me feel special and unique on this heavily populated little planet and i can’t tell you how much that saves me.
i love loving. i love stitching my heart to as many sleeves as i can reach; painting it across the sky, hiding it in old creased pages. people ask me where i get my energy from, and i’ll reply with you. i can’t lie; it used to exhaust me. i used to come home drained and empty and starving, but how can you be happy with no love left for yourself?
do you remember that time? that month: i think it was around october. i was so empty. you left, and i was so lost and broken and i fell harder than i’d ever fell before. you broke my heart. you buried yourself so deep into his chest; so stubborn to leave (i think some of you is still lost in him, beating softly in his ribcage, maybe pulsing through his fingers), but i managed to wrench you out. i woke up bloody and bruised but i want to thank you for healing so quickly. of course, scars never fade but i’m okay with that. i don’t want to ever forget that month.
thankfully, i’ve learned from it. i’ve re-calibrated and decided that i should be my own top priority. i need to save some love for myself, to keep my heart full despite pouring so much out for others. it seems to work; i am the happiest i’ve ever been.
i love you so much.
i spent a good hour or so writing a post about my last relationship but reading back, i think it still needs some censoring; it was a bit too emotional, a bit too pretentious. i promise i will write about it one day, just not this one.
how are you? me, i’m great, and i’m not just saying that for the sake of it. i am genuinely happy and i have been for a few weeks now. i feel settled. i am filled with hope. i am myself.
there’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while, though. i rarely get angry but i am furious at the education system and the way students’ abilities are assessed. please forgive me, i am not very knowledgeable in this field and the following is just a collection of thoughts i’ve been a-thinking.
exams. exams, exams, exams. isn’t it strange that years of work, revision, and homework all come down to that one short moment sat at a wobbly desk? oh and don’t forget: wash the doodles off your hands; only turn your head a maximum angle of 45 degrees; peel the label off your water bottle. one paper. memorize the whole syllabus yet only be forced to spit out half of it. you’ve got music and physics on the same day so try not to mistake dynamics for thermodynamics – classical physics always did sound like mozart.
it’s all a game. remember finding the pairs? remember remember the fifth of december? i have concluded that all you need to get through school is a decent memory. memory. how awful. it’s a huge, intricate, confusing memory game. even the creative courses like drama and art still rely on exams and how well you can conjure up an answer on a faraway day in may. i am so thankful to have a good memory but what about the ones who don’t? the ones with more determination than me, more dedication than me? some brains just don’t work like that. it’s unfair that we’re all pushed into the same boat.
i have two exams tomorrow: music and chemistry. then i have geography, maths and physics. thankfully these are only mocks, but i worry that i’m deluding myself saying that i’ll work harder for the real ones.
wish you all the best x
who do the stars shine for?
the dreamers. the lovers. the wonderers.
the ones lost in the deep. the ones drowning in their own thoughts, their terribly intense feelings thick like honey in their throats. they’re the ones that need the light the most: that sense of stability and calm that the stars always bring.
who does the world spin for?
the busy. the determined. the focused.
the ones so wonderfully engrossed in their personal adventures. the inspired and the inspiring; changing the world one breath at a time. they’re holding hands with the world as it grows and twists and spins.
who does the rain fall for?
the reckless. the adventurous. the brave.
the ones with nowhere to be and nothing to do are the ones with the most life. the ones jumping through puddles and running in the dark, the truest smiles. they’re living, they’re alive, they are life.
who does the fire flicker for?
the safe. the calm. the happy.
the ones sheltering from the storm. the ones who have found a moment of golden, blissful warmth amidst this beautiful wreck of a planet. the ones who are content; curled up with a lover or maybe just a chipped mug and a creased book. they are complete.
good evening! i hope you all had a good day; i definitely did.
all the love x
i love words. i think that language is the most beautifully expressive, flexible and personal thing that humanity has come up with. isn’t it strange that an alphabet of twenty-six letters can arrange themselves in such mind-blowing ways? here are a few sayings and phrases that really resonate with me.
- “go big or go home” – anon. i have always been an introverted, careful, shy person and recently i’ve realised all the things i’m missing by having such qualities. this quote really inspires me to step out of my comfort zone and to not be afraid to live.
- “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself”– rupi kaur. buying this goddess’ book of poetry was one of the best decisions of my life, and i recommend everyone to read it. that day, i walked to the park and read each word aloud to the empty green. this quote pretty much sums up my year, and it helped me to get to this blissful stage of self-love and contentment.
- “i defy you, stars!” – shakespeare, romeo and juliet. a few months ago, i watched the baz luhrmann film version of this iconic play and fell in love with it. i love the 90’s theme, the authenticity of the narrative, the actors (leo dicaprio and claire danes must be the most dazzling actors around?) and of course, the beautiful poetry that shakespeare embeds into the wonderful storyline. what can i say? i’m a huge romantic!
- “days collect in strange perfection”. so basically, i thought this is what hozier was singing in ‘someone new’, which is a great song, by the way. turns out, he actually says ‘only blue or black days electing strange perfections in any stranger i choose’. i love hozier’s lyrics, but my misinterpretation really stuck with me. personally, it just reflects the craziness and yet comforting absurdity of life. it reminds me to accept things as they come and go and to be grateful of the way they stack up so nicely.
- “you are a work of art” – anon. this one is so special to me. last summer, i was struggling with nihilism and a sense of terrible insignificance, but i managed to get through it. i realised that yes, there are 7.5 billion of us living on this tiny rock. yes, our existences mean nothing in the grand scale of time and space and black holes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love our little lives. we are allowed to plait our hair and smile at strangers; those small things still have meaning. we are all special. we are allowed to be worth something. we are allowed to have a place on this world.
i hope you all had/have a good day and that you will encounter some words that strike a chord in your heart as beautiful as these did in mine.
all the love x
hello 2017! it’s lovely to meet you. tonight has been wonderful and included blowing party whistles as loud as i can out the car window, finally finishing undertale (wow?!?!?) and stuffing my face with mozzarella sticks.
i am so excited to get to know you. there’s a buzz in my veins that comes with the hope and freshness of a new year and i know this will be a great one.
bring it on.
from this angle, i can’t see any clouds in the sky. this is the first sunny day in a long time, despite the freezing temperatures, and i feel calm. there is no reason to not be. it’s five minutes to eleven and the hands on my clock line up perfectly.
not anymore (time ticks on, does it not?). i made a pile of orange peel on my duvet and my fingers still smell sweet. my christmas break has been truly wonderful for a multitude of reasons, but here are a few highlights:
- it was christmas?? name any other day that’s as heartwarming or happy.
- my friend and i took the train to the forest with my dog last week. it was one of the best days in a while and i hope i don’t forget it.
- i feel re-adjusted. my footing on the world has shifted for the better. take me back to school! i’m so ready.
- i visited my godmother yesterday. she has been battling with cancer for a while and is in her last few months. i’m not sure how i feel, but i am sure that she is the strongest, most admirable woman i know. her daughter came to visit and although she doesn’t remember me taking her swimming when she was younger, we had a lot of fun. she’s only six but she is so beautiful. kinda sassy but hilarious. we spent the morning cutting wrapping paper into ‘snow’ and throwing it around like confetti.
recently, i’ve realised how lucky i am. i am so grateful for this little life i am living and i wouldn’t change it for the world (or the moon or the stars or the whole universe).
all the best x
well. here we are, at the end of 2016. it’s 7:30pm on christmas day and i’m listening to ed sheeran on my new laptop, eyes tired and fuzzy insides but i’d like to write something. this year has been pretty extraordinary, to say the least.
i. i’ve loved and i’ve lost. funny, isn’t it? how wonderfully cliché first loves can be. i’ve purposefully not written about it much on here because i don’t want to dwell on it nor do i need to. i am proud of myself for not breaking too much when he left and fornot regretting a single second that chanced to happen. i loved him; past tense. i am thankful for everything and wish us both the best; future tense.
ii. i’ve pushed my boundaries and my comfort zone. i am proud of myself for learning to let go and laugh through the crazy situations i keep finding myself in. i love covering my face in glitter. i love running in the rain. i love screaming into open fields with only the cows to hear you.
iii. i’ve found myself. i’ve come to terms with everything that i am and i can’t tell you how lovely that feels. i know i’m only fifteen and can only imagine the things i will become – the amazing things i know i am capable of. i’m no longer afraid of myself.
iv. i’ve seen so many beautiful places and done so many incredible things. between homework and exams and revision, i’ve realised the importance of taking time off. it’s okay to be a bit reckless sometimes. these days, my money is spent on train tickets and coffees from faraway cafes that i’ll never see again, and i won’t have it any other way. i know it’s hard to juggle everything but you need to give yourself time to be a person.
v. my relationship with my family has improved so much. we still disagree on a few major issues, but i can understand them now. i love them.
vi. i’m finally happy. i’ve hit some of my lowest points this year and struggled through phases of nihilism and existentialism but now i am happy. i’ve realised how incredibly precious, intricate and special life is and that has helped me persevere. i am happy. firmly, truly, beautifully happy.
bring it on, 2017. i am so excited to meet you.
all the love x