you smell like tea.
I know you know
I love your hugs by
the way you melt
– a marshmallow in
a blue button down.
two sugars, right?
I’ll fix you up, love,
as long as you just
stay a while.
sunlight peeks through half-open blinds, painting stripes across crumpled white bedsheets and there’s a mug of tea, that, in this short moment, is the perfect temperature. it’s always wonderful when you discover new music that seems to flow so seamlessly from your speakers right into your veins (the soft hum of violin chords and piano keys). there are no clouds in the sky. you breathe in. you feel weightless. there is a subtle glow of – what is this? hope? anyway Something is in the corner of the room, filling it with light that seems to permeate walls and thought and skin. it fills all the empty spaces. it blurs the edges and suddenly everything is smooth. soft, still, like water.
you sip your tea.
from this angle, i can’t see any clouds in the sky. this is the first sunny day in a long time, despite the freezing temperatures, and i feel calm. there is no reason to not be. it’s five minutes to eleven and the hands on my clock line up perfectly.
not anymore (time ticks on, does it not?). i made a pile of orange peel on my duvet and my fingers still smell sweet. my christmas break has been truly wonderful for a multitude of reasons, but here are a few highlights:
- it was christmas?? name any other day that’s as heartwarming or happy.
- my friend and i took the train to the forest with my dog last week. it was one of the best days in a while and i hope i don’t forget it.
- i feel re-adjusted. my footing on the world has shifted for the better. take me back to school! i’m so ready.
- i visited my godmother yesterday. she has been battling with cancer for a while and is in her last few months. i’m not sure how i feel, but i am sure that she is the strongest, most admirable woman i know. her daughter came to visit and although she doesn’t remember me taking her swimming when she was younger, we had a lot of fun. she’s only six but she is so beautiful. kinda sassy but hilarious. we spent the morning cutting wrapping paper into ‘snow’ and throwing it around like confetti.
recently, i’ve realised how lucky i am. i am so grateful for this little life i am living and i wouldn’t change it for the world (or the moon or the stars or the whole universe).
all the best x
today was a good day: i laughed and learned and loved.
- i talked and joked with people that i’ve never thought about speaking to, and that gives me hope. something sparks inside me when i make someone laugh, or when they smile at me across the classroom. note: people are friendly, let them be.
- i also finished a lot of coursework. motivation and determination have finally re-visited, and it feels good to see them again. i spent yesterday evening with a set of colourful pens, describing protein synthesis and how a sitar is played.
- i am finally out of that phase of hopelessness, nihilism and sadness. i am finally excited and ready for life. i am finally happy to live. a few weeks ago, i painfully remember saying to my friend: “imagine how easy it would be to not exist”. i am ashamed to have stooped so low but now my mindset has done a complete u-turn.
- my music taste has consisted of childish gambino, the weeknd and frank ocean. i’m starting to run out of new tunes (which is one of the worst feelings ever!)
- i didn’t see my ex today. i don’t know why i think that is significant enough to write about but i’m strangely empowered by that. i’ve promised myself that i will speak to him again; to tie up loose-ends and to say my thank-you’s and good-bye’s. not now, though. i think i’m too afraid.
- i had an apple at break-time.
- i saw a friend from another time today. how strange and nostalgic. i wonder if he also felt that rush of distant memories and that bittersweet reminiscence that i did.
- i have been struck by a terrible case of wanderlust (caught from my friend who keeps showing me pictures of faraway places). i am so excited to grow up and travel the world and get lost in its endlessly intricate beauty. the other day, i introduced our plan to travel over the summer to my mother, who instantly declined. i love her, and i completely understand her decision but i can’t help but feel disappointed. i’ll have to think a bit more.
so, that was today. thank you for reading.
all the love